The Pineapple Incident

CC Kyle McDonald

G’day there. Many of you would have heard about my unfortunate incident with the pineapple yesterday morning on the Mike Hosking Breakfast, the number one rating breakfast radio show in New Zealand for the past 54 years. We’ve been enteraining, brainwashing and forcing Magness Benrow products down the crusty throats of the nation’s elderly and infirmed since World War II.

But yesterday things nearly ground to a halt, and it all came down to a cheap bit of pineapple which became wedged in my throat during a cross with Martin Devlin. Here’s how it went down: Devlin was punishing me about sport and I was attempting to loosen some fecal material that had built up in my colon by eating fruit salad when disaster struck. A bit of penny-pinching pineapple became wedged in my wind pipe. Devlin continued to punish like a fax machine on send, meanwhile I was dying. In the end, nothing came of it. It was a non story, a storm in a fruit bowl, a lot of hogwash, an opportunity for the leftist haters to continue hating ways.

I coughed and the pineapple released, and I breathed a massive sigh of relief as did the entire Newstalk ZB revenue team, a couple of sales people at Continental Cars, the owner of Peregrine Wines, the wanker who brings in Versace into New Zealand and the people that sell Black & Decker mini vacuum cleaners. I’m not the news, I’m just an incredibly highly paid non-biased non-journalist and I’m alive, and I’m loving life.

Happy masticating. We’ll see you tomorrow.

Rachel Glucina

CC Nan Palmero

Many of you would have seen the footage of me driving my Ferrari 458 along the motorway on Rachel Glucina’s new website Scout. You may also have seen me using a Black & Decker portable mini vacuum cleaner to clean up some bits of muck my Prada shoes had trampled into the upholstery.

Couple of quick points on this: gutter reporting. In the story Glucina seemed incredibly fixated on my Newstalk ZB salary. She claimed it was 1.2 million. But she failed to mention the money I make from TVNZ as well as income I earn from endorsements and appearances. In my opinion that’s lazy journalism. If you’re going to paint me as an eccentric out of touch clean freak then at least be accurate. She also overlooked my obsession with Italian shoes and my love of designer hair product. There was no mention of my $1000 dollar deconstructed jackets or gold-plated socks.

To her credit she did mention the $5.5 million house which I acquired this year, but then she made me look cheap by reporting that I bought it for $400,000 under the asking price. For the record I paid more than the asking price and gave the Real Estate agent a case of Chateau du Sainte-Anne as a token of my appreciation and an acknowledgement that I am a very wealthy man.

My message to Rachel Glucina is this: if you’re going to stalk me at least tell the full story. Don’t paint me like a pauper.

Happy days. We’ll see you tomorrow.

The Refugee Quota

Embed from Getty Images

So do-gooding lefties and some assorted communist sympathisers are calling for the Government to allow more refugees into the country, and why wouldn’t you? It makes the wealthy white-skinned people feel good to do nice things for poorer darker brothers and sisters. But it’s important to remember we wouldn’t be rich and white if we didn’t focus on the costs to ourselves and our rich white society. Just like when charity collectors call, now’s a good time for the country to plead poverty despite the fancy rock star’s car in the driveway.

John Key says it costs the country $725 million a year to house the current quota of refugees, and whilst those numbers seem a little on the high side I have no reason not to trust every single word John Key says, even if it’s a lie. My view though, as always, is totally impartial and based on fiscal common sense. If we double our refugee intake we double the cost to the country. My question is: where is this $3.5 billion coming from to house these 700 extra refugees? If they assimilated immediately into touch rugby teams, washed themselves properly and were taught to wear shorts in the summer, I’d be happy to part with my hard-earned percentage of the tax base. But until New Zealand has absolutely no problems of its own my feeling is we should let them suffer someplace we can’t see them.

Ask yourself this: should we spend taxpayer money on our own population’s health or help these AIDS-ridden desperados? Is it better to spend money building houses in Christchurch for helpless victims of the quake or build houses for poor refugees? Would you rather pash your mother or your father? In the end the conclusion I came to is this: the reason this is such a difficult issue is because it isn’t easy.

Happy days. We’ll see you tomorrow.