Waitangi Dildos

So Waitangi’s been and gone for another year. Ngāpuhi haters and Harawiras alike have had their time in the sun again, and what have ordinary law-abiding New Zealanders learned? Well firstly many have learned what a dildo is. I know many of my listernship thought dildo was a character in The Lord of the Rings before Steven Joyce was hit by one, but now sales of pink marital aides have gone through the roof, particularly in St Heliers and Remuera.

We’ve also learned that Maori elders are divided on many issues, like who to invite to get bored to death and jostled in the early morning light on the downstairs marae of Waitingi. But more importantly we’ve learned that John Key is a gallant national hero who is happy to man up to intimidation from pensioner kaumatua and won’t stand for any Maori nonsense. He was sexily passive agressive in the face of elderly Maori RSVP confusion and classically nonchalant about whether he’d get an opportunity to be jostled at Te Tii. For me it was one of the sexiest moments of his incredibly sexy prime ministership. There’s nothing that turns me on more in a Pakeha statesman than someone standing up to Maori tribal befuddlement.

I’ve got thickness just talking about it.

Happy days. We’ll see you tomorrow.

The Hager Book

CC Ballofstring

What a hullabaloo about nothing the Hager book is. It should be confined to the fantasy section, along with other literary rubbish like Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. I interviewed Cameron Slater on my programme and I asked him directly whether he’s being fed information from the PM’s office and he said “No”. I take him on his word – Cameron Slater is an honest, hard working, unemployed New Zealander. He’s sympathetic to the disadvantaged, he’s even handed, fit, and a fast typer. He’s one of the best masturbators to come out of the blogosphere since broadband.

I won’t mince words – I hate Nicky Hager because he’s a hater. He’s a hand-wringing, left wing, conspiratorial communist intent on bringing down the Government. He takes far too long to answer questions – he ruined the pace of my show yesterday. I suspect he may even be a lesbian. How dare he release his book just before the six o’clock news one month out from an election. How dare he try and make left of centre politics popular. Clearly he’s trying to get as much publicity as possible and take away from the amazing good news stories currently being fed casually by the Prime Minister through proper channels, like my show.

I thought about asking the Prime Minister for an interview to clarify some of Hager’s non-sensical allegations, but why put him on the spot? He’s a busy man. Better to get someone like Steven Joyce to answer annoying questions. We’re a month out from an election and it would be wrong to make the PM uncomfortable. He’s our most credible and popular Newstalk ZB correspondent – we need him happy.

I wouldn’t bother to read Hager’s book if I were you – I certainly haven’t. I tried but found myself drawn to John Key’s biography for a sixth time around. Reading aloud at times, I wobbled my head in self happiness that I was on the right side of this non-debate. As I went to sleep I began to dream of John Key’s oddly-shaped but attractive body and I thought about how one day I would share in all his simple sorrows and take pleasure in all his simple joys, remembering how we became two of the most powerful people in New Zealand during the happy winter days.

We’ll see you tomorrow.